August 6th 2015 was the worst day of my life but I guess you need some back story.  It all started with we found out that my mom had stomach cancer, getting that news was horrible and I didn't want to believe that it was happening because who ever wants to believe that their loved one has some horrible disease that there is no cure for.  From there on it was doctors visits and hospital  stays and more doctors visits and more hospital stays, it is one thing that when you a little kid and you have to go to the hospital and your parents watch you as you lay on the bed and you little self thinks that this person is the best and so strong,  when its the opposite its so hard because here is this women whom I have known to be the strongest person alive and here she is so weak and I couldn't fix it or make it better and thats all I wanted to do but there was no way it was possible.  

The entire time that this was happening I had just gotten engaged to my now soon to be husband, thankfully my mother got to meet him and he asked both my parents permission before he asked.  Now this is a time to have your mother helping you with planning and picking out the dress everything.  Well while this was happening my mother was admitted to a hospital and things where kind of looking up and she came home for a bit.  I went to go and see my soon to be husband in Oregon and the day I get there I get the text " Moms in the hospital but don't worry have a nice trip" and I think to myself how am I not going to worry how am I not going to worry well the trip ended and I got home and my mom was getting transferred to a different hospital this was around the end of July.  Well as the time went on things weren't going well.  I receive a call at work saying I need to go to the hospital now and I was told by my dad we were just going to make her comfortable, hearing that was gut reaching.  As time went on we developed a shift timing me an my sister would be there during the day and my dad and aunt, who was staying with us, took the night shift.  

when August 6th came up it was a very strange day I wasn't feeling well the whole day and my head was pounding the entire time I was there and my sisters back was hurting it was strange all around.  as the day went on it kept getting worse and worse and as the shift change came I got up to get ready to leave.  Now everyday that I left my moms room I would kiss here good bye and tell here I love you  and on this day I didn't because I was feeling terrible.  I will never forget this day, when we arrived home I went to bed to get ready for the next day and I woke up hearing the most heartbreaking cry  that you could ever hear from a person, I open my door and there is my dad standing in front of it telling me my mother was dead; I go back to earlier in the day and realize I never kissed her goodbye i didn't say goodbye and I live with that every day I can't get it out of my head and I hate myself for not doing it that day because now she is gone.  

But from this i am starting to learn that sometimes its ok to cry even though  I won't allow myself to cry because I am not allowed I have to be strong for my dad and sister, my therapist says that I have every right to cry but I still haven't given myself permission.  But then I think she was able to meet my soon to be husband and know that I would be taken care of by him and that she liked makes me happy on those really sad days.  

Well until next time and hopefully better grammar and sentence structure.

C.